My Civil War with God

My brother sent me a sermon from John Piper and I listened to it. I have avoided Piper for a number of years now because I don't not like his Calvinistic views. But in recent years I cannot get away from the words that seem to pop off the pages throughout the New Testament: chosen, elected, predestined. So this is my battle and the reason I am even posting this is because I'm guessing I'm not the only one that struggles with this idea: some are chosen and others are not. I am in no way looking to start a debate with anyone. I am just reading the Word and trying desperately to understand it. If I don't understand the Words of my Father, how can I call myself His daughter? I would like to say too though, this is me in pursuit of knowing God. Christians are not perfect and i most certainly am merely a sinner saved by grace. Im just seeing that my theology is not lining up with Scripture and that is not okay. So here is the email I sent to one of my most favorite people in the world that I am honored to know. 

Jordan,

So I listened to the sermon and have pretty much cried my eyes out. It very much causes me to want to walk away from this Gospel if this is the way it is, and yet something keeps me wanting to love Him even though I don't understand Him. Even as I write this email I am crying. How do I love a God who chose me and not somebody else that I might have compassion for, but they have rejected the Gospel? And why do I have compassion on them anyways? Do I presume that that compassion comes from my own flesh? No, I believe any compassion I would ever have would come from His heart and not my own. It's quite clear in Romans 9 and 10 that there is a chosen people, an elect if you will, but chapter 11 is down right confusing. And yet hopeful. But I bet it's not what I'm thinking. I can't live with the crack theology that all people will be forgiven in the end without first having proclaimed Jesus as Lord with their own mouth and yet in 11:32 it says they will all be forgiven. I don't get it, I don't understand it and I absolutely do not like it. But as a follower of Christ, this dormant civil war has now been awoken and I can ignore no longer. If I say I believe the Word of God is true, then I have to believe the words of Paul and not think of them as his opinion, but God's words written down through his servant, the words of the One whom I call Father. This is going to be a long battle between me and the Lord. I'm angry at Him right now. I want Him to call all peoples to Him, I want there to be a chance for all to choose His name, His glory. But it looks like there is just a remnant of those who will. I'm guessing I'm a part of that remnant, but is that even okay to presume? My heart literally hurts as faces run across my mind. Real, human faces with a lost soul within. Friends that have said, "no, your God is not real. He is a fairy tale." it pained my heart at the time to hear that, but it pains it even more now. What if those in whom my heart cries out to the Father for their salvation, His ears don't hear because their names are not written on the palms of His hands? There is such an epic battle in my heart right now. But I have to say to the Lord that my heart is open to Him AND His Word. My only hope is that through this the Holy Spirit will cause me to fall more and more in love with my Savior Jesus. Right now, I don't want to, that is, my flesh, my desire for justice does not want to love Him more. But my spirit-man, well, that's a different story. I do still, in my spirit long to know the power of the resurrected Christ and to know Him well. So those are my thoughts after listening to the sermon and immediately reading Romans 9, 10 and 11. Below are the angered questions I had as I was reading through chapter 11. Jordan, you don't have to answer any of these questions really, you don't have to convert me over to "your side" which I know you won't try and do. I just wanted you to know honestly where I am at. I know, because of the Holy Spirit that lives within, who is said to be my seal, that He will lead and guide me into all Truth, for that is why He was given. Love you brother.

My rantings of Romans 11. Possibly not at all logical, but nonetheless, my honest thoughts while reading through. 

So was I given grace for the jealousy of a country? And what is this talk about their full reconciliation? I thought Paul was saying we had to be chosen. And that they weren't. That there are essentially two Israel's. One of the elect and one of the ethnicity. That only a remnant receives grace. Paul you are contradicting yourself. V 23 is throwing me for a loop. So even though they have rejected the Lord they can still be grafted in? And how is it grace if the only reason I was grafted in was because God rejected those whom disobeyed? It seems like a pity gift. Oh these people didn't believe so I'll give you a spot in the tree, but really it's only to cause them to be jealous. V 32 what do you do with that? He just said "all" in regards to mercy. So if there are two Israel's and in v 32 he is saying that they will all receive mercy then in the end all people will be forgiven and grafted in? That thought also scares the crap out of me. I guess v 25 is talking about the literal countrymen of Israel. But he does go on to say that He consigned them to disobedience SO THAT He may show mercy to ALL. I don't understand.